I really wish my mom would watch this... aka: Netflix is the sh*t

Since there is only one flat screen in my studio(cuz im really cheap now), I spend a great deal of time on Netflix. Today, I stumbled upon this amazing documentary called "For The Bible Tells Me So." It goes through the stories of about 5 or 6 families, deeply rooted in different religious denominations. Each of these families went through a very specific struggle with their faith and homosexuality. It also breaks down the biblical references that most people use as there base for hating and mistreating Gays and Lesbians in the good ol' United States. This. Movie. Is. Amazing. Everyone should watch it. I'd never even heard of this documentary before. Like I said, i literally stumbled upon it while looking for "the Last Emperor (a documentary about Valentino's Last couture show).  There are so many things in this film that stood out to me. The 2 things that spoke to me the most where the way the film breaks down, very specifically, the commonly held beliefs that the Bible thumpers use to rile up the sheep (that's what I call the followers that don't read and study for themselves). The second thing is that the mother in the black family featured in the film (the only black family, go figure) expressed that years after her daughter came out to her and her preacher husband, she realized that the thing that disturbed her the most about her daughter's sexuality was her unconscious obsession with what she was doing in her bedroom. Just saying "Mom, Dad, Im gay", isn't really what was pushing her over the edge.  For some reason, her mind was wrapped up in the way her daughter was acting in her relationship. When she realized this, she was able to make a conscious decision to not concern herself with that aspect of her child's relationships. After that she was able to accept that her child was simply different from her. She stated, "I was thinking totally about how she was having sex and not about her as a person."


That's heavy. 

I WISH I COULD GET MY MOTHER TO WATCH THIS. 


Because this post is so close to home for me, i'm gonna stop there. But if you ever get the chance, please check out the film.And tell a friend to tell a friend to watch it. Spread the word.


Nik

Locked and Loaded. (the sober edition)

I have decided not to move back to California. Its good to be wanted. I worked really hard. But I've done the West Coast, time to head in another direction.

It is truly hot as monkey nuts in Memphis right now. This shit is unreal. I'm outta here for at least a month. Shit.

New relationships are always interesting. Passion is great, but the true connection has to happen when everyone has all of their clothes on. Ask me how I know.

I HATE HATE HATE when lezzies break up with someone and all of a sudden try and act like the ex wasnt all that. Ol' girl was the hot nu nu when you where together, but now she's wack? Chyle please. My ex was a BEAST. Would I get with her ever again? Hell would have to freeze over 15 times. Make that 20.

Two people that are EXTREMELY important to me are now wanging each other. I have a mini panick attack whenver one of them calls me. Its funny...sometimes.

West Coast women are the party. East Cost women are the business.

 LOL

-Nik

It isnt over yet...

Tomorrow I have to go back to court. Again. For the same bullshit. The woman who stabbed me 3 times
filed for an appeal bond after she was sentenced. And I have to sit through this shit again. AGAIN. Let’s not even discuss the fact that they only sentenced her to 6 months. No, let’s just not even deal with what that said to me. Let’s deal with what all this brings up for me. I’m just the girl who almost died. 3 minutes away. From death. 3... minutes. All the things, good and bad, that I attached my happiness to because of what happened to me, are gone. The pain pills, the alcohol, my girlfriend. All of it. It took me till March 2nd of this year (two entire years after the incident) to get to a place where I didn't just spontaneously burst into tears. I still to this day can't watch any movies where there's any type of brutal knife action or the even the sound of anything being sliced. It drives me crazy. And God forbid I walk past a tall mixed stud with two long braids. I'd go completely to pieces.







I spent so many hours being just afraid. And that’s not the kind of girl I have ever been. But when March 2nd 2011 rolled around and I didn't even get a "happy survivor day" text from the only person besides my son that I thought I couldn't breathe without, something changed inside me. It’s strange when you can pinpoint the exact moment you feel something change. Now, I'm not even going to be so deep as to say "oh my heart let her go" or no bull like that. I just knew on March 2nd, that my gut had been right all along and it was my own fault for not listening. Since then, I’ve tried to loosen up a lot. I stopped hiding all the steak knives out of view in my house (well, most of them anyway) and I haven't had too many negative thoughts about that my ex, or even my attacker, or my scars since.






Then I find out that it really isn’t over. That the knife wielding fool is still out. That I have to go to court AGAIN. Unfortunately, every time I have to think about what happened to me, I also have to think about my ex-girlfriend. The two things are permanently linked in my mind for a few reasons that I won't go into right now. So having to go back to fucking court caused a tsunami in my mind and my heart. And all the steel reserve I had built against my attacker and my old Dream girl came crashing down around my feet. So today, every fucking song on the radio is something the ex and I had sex to (Trey Songz), or danced to(Drake), or something that was on mass rotation in Miami when we met(Rhianna)... and then there's every fucking song on Adele' s new album that just screams her name to me(Rolling in the Deep, Someone Like You). And somehow, today, all of my scars look a lot more hideous than they did yesterday. This shit never ends. So I took to the blog. Not to vent. Just to make a point. It’s been said that if you ever loved a person, you always love them. Even when it’s over. Even if it ended ugly. It never stops. You just learn new ways of living without them. I've said before on here that I have truly been in love twice in my life: my Redd and my Cali Dream. Hopefully that saying about people only getting 3 true loves in their life isn't true, cuz if it is I’m just about out of the game. Only time will tell. Anyway. I will sit up in that court room tomorrow with my head held high, looking good, successful, blessed to be alive, and ready to be a blessing to someone else. And no matter what the outcome, those four things will still apply to me. I'll just start my walk away from my last love and my wounds all over again. But one thing for absolute certain, I'm a tough cookie so I’ll be fine. I’m mean; who else do YOU know with 3 major stabs wounds and 2 major heartbreaks, and one partially functioning lung, yet still out here smelling like Bulgari? Yeah, that’s what I thought.




What, you thought this was gonna end another way?


I’m a cold piece of work. Or so I’ve been told.


#tigerblood bitch


Star

I want...

D_R_-'A S. W_-:/N"T+N right now. More than anything.

Nik

I want to give facebook a hug. And flip twitter the bird.

I love how when you block someone on facebook, they are COMPLETELY shut off from your wall. Perfect example: my beloved ex wife and my mother. If we comment on the same person's status, I can't see them and they can't see me. Its a thing of beauty. Twitter, however, hasn't caught up yet. So unfortunately, someone else that I love dearly, but have no respect for keeps gertting re-tweeted into my fucking timeline. This throws a huge monkey wrench in my fantasy that this sad individual was really just a figment of my imagination. I have almost convinced myself that our entire relationship was just something I made up in my head while I was in the hospital. But just as soon as I really start to beleive it, up she pops in my fucking timeline.
Lovely...
Star.

I Do Not Date...

Here's another oldie but goodie that I wrote a LONG time ago and never published. Just thought I'd share.
I originally wrot ethis around April of this year.
This is some good info people. Pay attention.
____________________________________________________

 Lesbians are serial daters... I am not. I am a relationship girl. Lezzies tend to see a chick, bone a chick, move in with or move on to the next chick. That mess baffles me. I think that's one of the things that alienates a lot of straight people from us. Even those that are "sympathetic" to our plight. How fast we switch (or add in some cases) partners. How many times have you seen your friend (associate or whatever) at the club with someone one week, then two weeks later, you see them again with someone totally new? Then you ask them, " hey, what happened to so and so?"
Wait two weeks, and repeat.
Its so silly and, more importantly, its dangerous. Casual hookups in a community that doesn't have a a large number of people perpetuates not only a lot of fighting and bullsh*t, but a lot of other stuff you cant get rid of...
We want to be respected and all that then we need to stop acting like the only time were human is when someone straight uses a slur against us. Nobody gets over love in a month/week/day.Stop fronting. Especially you studs.

Short sweet and to the damn point.
*Star*

IF EVER A SONG DESCRIBED MY LAST RELATIONSHIP AND HOW I FEEL RIGHT NOW IN THIS SO-CALLED LIFE OF MINE IT IS THIS ONE. Just be sure to replace "man" with "woman" and you got it.

If ever anyone asks me for my advice about how to make a relationship work all i'm going to say is this: Be friends with your partner first and for most.Trying to become their friend after you become lovers is almost impossible. Be completely comfortable with who YOU are before you join with someone else. You stood on your own 10 toes before them, you can do it again. Ride or chicks need ride or die chicks. Period. Be VERY CLEAR about what is acceptable and what is not. Don't sugar coat sh*t because a weak mind will get preyed upon. Vesace is for sale, LOVE is not, so don't wast your time or your money. Especially when you can afford to buy you own shit. And last but not least, if a person shows you even one time that you are not the one, believe them. Thats all the closure you need.

*sigh*  (Click the sigh, people)



Thanks to a special person who helped me get free.
Thanks even for the unlikely way she helped me clear my mind.
Thanks Dream
Special thanks to the person who didnt try to help put me back together, but instead showed me that I don't need help picking up the pieces. I can do it all by myself.
Thanks Genius


-Still a Star
MissNikki

MY WISH LIST...

Since I haven't gotten a birthday or Christmas present in 2 years (not including the Mercedes I bought myself), I thought I would put together this little wish list for you all. So listen up lurkers, followers, and anyone else who may want to take pity on me *cue violins*.


1 Christian Louboutin Greissimo Pump size 8.5 9
2 new rims for the new whip (stock only, no hood ish for my baby)
3 amex gift cards (in any amount over $100)
4 target gift cards (in any amount over $30)
5 MAC Book pro
6 purple ipod
7 purple ipod
8 purple ipod
9 purple ipod
10PURPLE F*CKING IPOD

Feel free to start anywhere on the list. 

KAYTHNXBYE


*Twinkle*

Locked and Loaded... You know u miss it

i am without a doubt, a ride or die girl. but dont do no f*ck sh*t in front of me now that I have kids.

after "the incident" i realized who my associates where. after I healed, i  realized who the wolves in sheep's clothing where. i see you

the woman i treated the absolute worst, is the person who loves me the absolute most. that b*tch is ride or die.

relationships are not for everyone. unfortunately, those people are hella sexy and hella charismatic. and so good in bed.fml

stop trying to keep b*tches that dont want to be kept.

some sh*t is unacceptable.

if it aint about a dollar it aint about me neither..... I was off that for a minute, but im back on it with a vengeance

twitter and skype has saved my sanity. keeps me  connected to the one stud that i dont think is in any way full of sh*t, with the shit, on that bullsh*t, or ratchet. cuz this damn blackberry is a piece of crap.

i'm getting married next year.

*STAR*

MY PO' LIL NEGLECTED BLOG....

SISTAHSTAR.COM is my pet project. I love it with my whole heart. However, I have been (once again) severely neglecting it. Its not because I'm too busy, or because I don't have anything to post. Its actually just the opposite. There is soooooooo much info floating around for me to write about that I get overwhelmed. I have about 15 half written posts that are just sitting there waiting to be finished a released. Not even gonna say when I'll release them. Either way, Im still here guys. Hope your still here with me...


Love you guys


*STAR*

Locked and Loaded... Returns Again

I have noticed that a particular blog that I follow, even though the owner doesn't particularly care for me, has started doing something VERY similar to my locked and loaded posts. I don't mind really, but ya'll know who started this foolishness. Anyway, I know ya'll love them and I miss doing them. So here goes:

__________________________________________________________________________________

I will be having some type of party on March 2nd 2010. Something big. I desearve it.

Never trust a big butt and a smile

A sounthern accent in North Cali will get you almost anything.

Sometimes love comes around, and it knocks you down. But I fight back.

They sell Verve Clicqot in Target out here. For $40. Ya'll know i'm in trouble, right?

Cali is good to me. Just like I knew she would be....

Uh Huh....

*Shining Bright*  *Sip Sip*

*STAR*

A Quick Update...

Just wanted to drop a line or two and let you guys know that i'm still here. I'm just super busy, but it's a good thing this time.I get the most most emails when I write personal stuff and the infamous Locked and Loaded posts. So i'm gonna do a "semi locked and loaded" post right quick. Just to tide you over until I get all this stuff where it needs to be.So here you go.
_________________________________________________________________________________

My hair has gotten way too long to deal with. Im trying really hard not to wack it all off. 


I have drank enough wine in the last week to completely destroy whats left of my liver...and yours. And i'm on my way to get more right now. 


Where can a sister get a decent soul food dinner around  here? I mean, is it really THAT hard to add salt to the flour BEFORE you put  the chicken in it? 


Just found out I get a 50% discount at Karmaloop.com! FOREVER!  Jesus take the magentic stripe off my credit card...


Why does Itunes hate so hard on PC users? They are really messing with my sanity right now. 


This no car note thing. I could totally get used to this. 


Packing sucks.


Moving sucks.


Being able to behold God all around you while standing out on your balcony, does NOT suck. 


Once you've had Verizon, every other cell phone carrier sucks. Period.


Last night my ex-husband proved, once again, that he is nothing more than a gigantic asshole and a glorified babysitter. 


My son is hilarious. I mean like Bernie Mac type of funny. He  gets it from his momma (in my Juvie the great voice)


The wine just kicked in...


I See ya Looking 


* That Damn Star*( is a cold piece of work)

I'm Know I haven't posted anything substatial in while, but I have been overwhelmed yet again. I promise to get back on my blog grind...AS SOON AS I GET SETTLED IN CALIFORNIA!!!!!!!!!!!! 
YES, YES, YES, YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*TWINKLE TWINKLE LITTLE STAR*
BOOM!

Today I Exhaled

I have been arguing with IMEEM for about a half hour trying to make a player for my blog and it just aint working. Now I'm locked and loaded and sick of listening to this sad ish.


Here's what I had on NON-STOP repeat today:


1.Gravity, John Mayer
2.No one in the World, Anita Baker
3.Stronger, Mary J.
4.Part of the List, Ne-yo
5.Why Does She Stay, Ne-yo
6.Fall, J. Holiday
7.Superhuman, Knock em'Down Brown and Skeri Hilson
8.I'm Gonna Find Another You, John Mayer
9.Epiphany, Chrisette Michelle
10.Been So Long, Anita Baker
This mess is enough to make you slit your damn wrists... Enough.


Then I got the call from that good 801 area code. Please believe I changed up my playlist with the quickness! First I turned off all the music and thanked God for the way he is moving in my life. Funny how one door abruptly slams in your face, then so many others open up.
Anyhoo...
I also cleaned my severely neglected house, submitted an article to I-Bleed-Ink.com  and spent some much need quality time doing ME. All in all, I think today was a good day. 


That's all.
*Star*
Oh yeah, much love and hugs to the captain for once again saying the simplest thing and making it all better. 

Have we met before?

As I sat here going back over some of my older posts on the blog, I realized something VERY important. In the past few weeks, I have gotten soooooo very far away from what I set out for sistahstar.com to be.  In the midst of my love sick stupor all I have been blogging about is my personal turmoil with my ex. While I do realize that this is MY blog and I can say whatever the hell I want, that's NOT what this is supposed to be about. 


So with that said: ALLOW ME TO REINTRODUCE MYSELF!!!!!!

MY NAME IS STAR B*TCHES. An the immortal words of another bad Nicki: "IMMA BAD B*TCH,, IMMA, IMMA BAD B*TCH


What I need and what I want are two different things. I may not have a particular person that I want, but I damn sure have the only person that matters, ME!  To make matters worse is the fact that I have let all manner of rainbow colored foolishness slip by me. And that is just unacceptable.


So tonight, as I stated on my twitter (twitter.com/sistahstar and twitter.com/starstarbaby) I am being forced to partake in some "family" matters. I will be hanging out (yes, outside of my house) with some of rainbow crew. There's a welcome home set and a house party. There will be foolishness GALORE. I can't wait! I will be reporting back to you guys ASAP! Pray that I dont get caught snapping pics of the hot messes and ass clowns that I am sure encounter this evening. 


In a minute
*Star*
Im back up in this thang, tricks...

As ya'll can see I have clearly jacked up my layout. My beloved sister is finally finishing up my logo ( so she says) and background. Until then I am going to just play around with some more random layouts. Bear with me guys.
Oh, yeah, and thanks for all the support while I was pouring my damn heart out.
Now, back to our regularly scheduled program. I have a new camera people so if you out there acting a rainbow fool, know that you have been warned.
You will get told.
Thanks
*Star*

Entirely too personal, but very neccessary

I'm sitting up watching one of my favorite movies of all times, Sex and the City, and some things jumped out at me. Well, it kind of smacked me in the face like a baseball bat. 

1. When Samantha is talking about the direction her relationship with Smith was heading she says," he stayed with me through my treatments." Carrie appropriately responds, "Sweetie, you just compared your relationship...to chemo..." 
2. When Carrie goes to get her absolutely beautiful, never worn pair of Manolo Blahniks (that I would trade my mother for, by the way), she opens the closet door and sees Big standing there. They pause, look at each other, then she runs into his arms. The rest is history. 


Those two events brought up some really heavy relationship stuff for me. As does everything these days. Whatever..

In case you didn't know, my relationship before this one ended in a very ugly, very bloody mess. I ended up in the trauma center fighting for my life. That's all I'm saying about that. I have mentioned before that I have my own personal army. The captain of that army is my homegirl. The General is my girlfriend. 

Sidenote: I am not accustomed to calling her anything other than my girlfriend so deal with it. Don't judge me.

Anyways...  She put me through a lot. Not the typical relationship stuff. Just emotional rollercoaster type-a-shit that I am wondering now would I have put up with if she where not "The General." This is the  person that did not leave my side for days during my ordeal. I saw her more than my mother. Seriously. In my morphine induced haze I feel deeper and deeper in love with this woman and way faster than normal. Given the circumstances that's understandable though, right?


Anyhoo, when I heard that (#1) in the movie it made me really think of what I was holding on to. 

Then the next thing (#2) brought up this other issue. Me and baby are already in, wait... shit, WHERE IN (ugh!) a long distance relationship. The longest we'd been apart were these last few months. That's when all the ups and downs got really, REALLY bad. Yeah. So when Carrie sees Big for the first time after what he put her through, she stops, looks, and finally runs into his arms. They are, once again, inseparable. But for good this time. So I'm wondering: What's it going to be like when I finally see her again? 

Now, I know I be on some ol' Nicki Minaj " ima bad b*tch, ima, ima bad b*tch" ish,(cuz i am, after all, a bad b*tch), but I am also a hopeless romantic and a believer in soul mates and love and all that stuff. So it could go a couple of different ways...

Who knows. Maybe when we do see one another again, it will be all good. Maybe not. But I don't like surprises and I'm a deep thinker sooooo. 

I was just wondering. 

Thats all.

*Star*

I'm gonna do better...

Sorry I havent posted in a while. When you have a blog that is basically just a journal of your own thoughts, sometimes it gets hard to focus on just ONE topic to post. Add to that, the fact that i'm tweeting my a*s off most of the time and you get one very neglected blog. So, here is my solemn promise(again) to post more often. Heck, I may even change my layout Yeah right.
Ok that is all. For now.
Back to homework and Twitter...
*Star*

And I betcha didn't know that, ebony eyes...

Cant sleep. Feel like sharing...

My son changed my life.

I officially love Twitter.

I have ZERO patience, and I pray about that one ALOT.

I first thought I was gay when I was in the 6th grade. It scared the sh*t out of me.

Religion gets on my reserve nerve.

If there was an Olympic event for marriages, my mom would be standing on the podium right below Elizabeth Taylor.

My girlfriend has one of the most complicated personalitoes I have ever encountered on my entire life.

The Game is, in my opinion, is one of the best scripted television shows ever.

If I don't get back to California soon, i'm going to have myself committed.

Two days ago I found out that the party I went to this weekend was hosted by the girl who effed up my taxes. I was not pleased.

I hate hospitals, ghetto sh*t, bad ass kids, and stereotypes. (i'm pretty sure ya'll knew that one)

Thats all
*Star*

Too many irons on the fire.

I have a gazillion projects going on. Not to mention, I started working out again. The exercise helps though, since it makes me get on some type of schedule. My diet is THEBOMB.COM! I absolutely do NOT eat meat and haven't had chicken in forever. So I eat a LOT of fish and other seafood. This is great for a couple of reasons. First, because I don't drink nearly enough water, and secondly, its making my hair and nails look super good! Chicken is becoming an issue because I work retail and that's the only thing readily available so I may have to add that back in. The point is this: I have so many things going on right now and I was starting to get overwhelmed and a little bit down about it all. I need to be working on my book, I'm finishing school, i'm stuck in no mans land Memphis, and I'm tired all the time. But in the last week, I feel like I found a light at the end of the tunnel. So even though I am sore as can be from working out, I don't really mind it. I have a great lady who love, love, loves me, great friends, and I'm blessed. (Cue the violins)
So right now, this Star is feeling good and shining bright.
Just felt like sharing...

NOW BACK TO OUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED PROGRAM!

*STAR*