It isnt over yet...

Tomorrow I have to go back to court. Again. For the same bullshit. The woman who stabbed me 3 times
filed for an appeal bond after she was sentenced. And I have to sit through this shit again. AGAIN. Let’s not even discuss the fact that they only sentenced her to 6 months. No, let’s just not even deal with what that said to me. Let’s deal with what all this brings up for me. I’m just the girl who almost died. 3 minutes away. From death. 3... minutes. All the things, good and bad, that I attached my happiness to because of what happened to me, are gone. The pain pills, the alcohol, my girlfriend. All of it. It took me till March 2nd of this year (two entire years after the incident) to get to a place where I didn't just spontaneously burst into tears. I still to this day can't watch any movies where there's any type of brutal knife action or the even the sound of anything being sliced. It drives me crazy. And God forbid I walk past a tall mixed stud with two long braids. I'd go completely to pieces.







I spent so many hours being just afraid. And that’s not the kind of girl I have ever been. But when March 2nd 2011 rolled around and I didn't even get a "happy survivor day" text from the only person besides my son that I thought I couldn't breathe without, something changed inside me. It’s strange when you can pinpoint the exact moment you feel something change. Now, I'm not even going to be so deep as to say "oh my heart let her go" or no bull like that. I just knew on March 2nd, that my gut had been right all along and it was my own fault for not listening. Since then, I’ve tried to loosen up a lot. I stopped hiding all the steak knives out of view in my house (well, most of them anyway) and I haven't had too many negative thoughts about that my ex, or even my attacker, or my scars since.






Then I find out that it really isn’t over. That the knife wielding fool is still out. That I have to go to court AGAIN. Unfortunately, every time I have to think about what happened to me, I also have to think about my ex-girlfriend. The two things are permanently linked in my mind for a few reasons that I won't go into right now. So having to go back to fucking court caused a tsunami in my mind and my heart. And all the steel reserve I had built against my attacker and my old Dream girl came crashing down around my feet. So today, every fucking song on the radio is something the ex and I had sex to (Trey Songz), or danced to(Drake), or something that was on mass rotation in Miami when we met(Rhianna)... and then there's every fucking song on Adele' s new album that just screams her name to me(Rolling in the Deep, Someone Like You). And somehow, today, all of my scars look a lot more hideous than they did yesterday. This shit never ends. So I took to the blog. Not to vent. Just to make a point. It’s been said that if you ever loved a person, you always love them. Even when it’s over. Even if it ended ugly. It never stops. You just learn new ways of living without them. I've said before on here that I have truly been in love twice in my life: my Redd and my Cali Dream. Hopefully that saying about people only getting 3 true loves in their life isn't true, cuz if it is I’m just about out of the game. Only time will tell. Anyway. I will sit up in that court room tomorrow with my head held high, looking good, successful, blessed to be alive, and ready to be a blessing to someone else. And no matter what the outcome, those four things will still apply to me. I'll just start my walk away from my last love and my wounds all over again. But one thing for absolute certain, I'm a tough cookie so I’ll be fine. I’m mean; who else do YOU know with 3 major stabs wounds and 2 major heartbreaks, and one partially functioning lung, yet still out here smelling like Bulgari? Yeah, that’s what I thought.




What, you thought this was gonna end another way?


I’m a cold piece of work. Or so I’ve been told.


#tigerblood bitch


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