Locked and Loaded. (the sober edition)

I have decided not to move back to California. Its good to be wanted. I worked really hard. But I've done the West Coast, time to head in another direction.

It is truly hot as monkey nuts in Memphis right now. This shit is unreal. I'm outta here for at least a month. Shit.

New relationships are always interesting. Passion is great, but the true connection has to happen when everyone has all of their clothes on. Ask me how I know.

I HATE HATE HATE when lezzies break up with someone and all of a sudden try and act like the ex wasnt all that. Ol' girl was the hot nu nu when you where together, but now she's wack? Chyle please. My ex was a BEAST. Would I get with her ever again? Hell would have to freeze over 15 times. Make that 20.

Two people that are EXTREMELY important to me are now wanging each other. I have a mini panick attack whenver one of them calls me. Its funny...sometimes.

West Coast women are the party. East Cost women are the business.

 LOL

-Nik

It isnt over yet...

Tomorrow I have to go back to court. Again. For the same bullshit. The woman who stabbed me 3 times
filed for an appeal bond after she was sentenced. And I have to sit through this shit again. AGAIN. Let’s not even discuss the fact that they only sentenced her to 6 months. No, let’s just not even deal with what that said to me. Let’s deal with what all this brings up for me. I’m just the girl who almost died. 3 minutes away. From death. 3... minutes. All the things, good and bad, that I attached my happiness to because of what happened to me, are gone. The pain pills, the alcohol, my girlfriend. All of it. It took me till March 2nd of this year (two entire years after the incident) to get to a place where I didn't just spontaneously burst into tears. I still to this day can't watch any movies where there's any type of brutal knife action or the even the sound of anything being sliced. It drives me crazy. And God forbid I walk past a tall mixed stud with two long braids. I'd go completely to pieces.







I spent so many hours being just afraid. And that’s not the kind of girl I have ever been. But when March 2nd 2011 rolled around and I didn't even get a "happy survivor day" text from the only person besides my son that I thought I couldn't breathe without, something changed inside me. It’s strange when you can pinpoint the exact moment you feel something change. Now, I'm not even going to be so deep as to say "oh my heart let her go" or no bull like that. I just knew on March 2nd, that my gut had been right all along and it was my own fault for not listening. Since then, I’ve tried to loosen up a lot. I stopped hiding all the steak knives out of view in my house (well, most of them anyway) and I haven't had too many negative thoughts about that my ex, or even my attacker, or my scars since.






Then I find out that it really isn’t over. That the knife wielding fool is still out. That I have to go to court AGAIN. Unfortunately, every time I have to think about what happened to me, I also have to think about my ex-girlfriend. The two things are permanently linked in my mind for a few reasons that I won't go into right now. So having to go back to fucking court caused a tsunami in my mind and my heart. And all the steel reserve I had built against my attacker and my old Dream girl came crashing down around my feet. So today, every fucking song on the radio is something the ex and I had sex to (Trey Songz), or danced to(Drake), or something that was on mass rotation in Miami when we met(Rhianna)... and then there's every fucking song on Adele' s new album that just screams her name to me(Rolling in the Deep, Someone Like You). And somehow, today, all of my scars look a lot more hideous than they did yesterday. This shit never ends. So I took to the blog. Not to vent. Just to make a point. It’s been said that if you ever loved a person, you always love them. Even when it’s over. Even if it ended ugly. It never stops. You just learn new ways of living without them. I've said before on here that I have truly been in love twice in my life: my Redd and my Cali Dream. Hopefully that saying about people only getting 3 true loves in their life isn't true, cuz if it is I’m just about out of the game. Only time will tell. Anyway. I will sit up in that court room tomorrow with my head held high, looking good, successful, blessed to be alive, and ready to be a blessing to someone else. And no matter what the outcome, those four things will still apply to me. I'll just start my walk away from my last love and my wounds all over again. But one thing for absolute certain, I'm a tough cookie so I’ll be fine. I’m mean; who else do YOU know with 3 major stabs wounds and 2 major heartbreaks, and one partially functioning lung, yet still out here smelling like Bulgari? Yeah, that’s what I thought.




What, you thought this was gonna end another way?


I’m a cold piece of work. Or so I’ve been told.


#tigerblood bitch


Star

I was about to do a blog but the Captain and another one of my followers are standing in my bedroom doorway getting on my nerves. So this will have to wait till later. FML. Anyways. See ya'll on Twitter.
NIk

I want...

D_R_-'A S. W_-:/N"T+N right now. More than anything.

Nik

In Dreams

 DREAM #1

Me: What the hell?! 

Her: It was too much too fast, huh?

Me: Yeah, Genius. It was. 

Her: Its cool. I knew what I was doing. 

Me: Thanks. I think.

To be continued...

DREAM #2
Me: You called me. Why?
Her: Look, this is stupid. We've been through this a thousand times.We're older,wiser, and smarter. And we have a kid.
Me: Umm yeah. But what's the point.
Her: I'm sorry. I really am. I played that sh*t all wrong. You already apologized. Lets make it happen. I'll be over after work in the morning.
Me: Ok.
To be continued...

I want to give facebook a hug. And flip twitter the bird.

I love how when you block someone on facebook, they are COMPLETELY shut off from your wall. Perfect example: my beloved ex wife and my mother. If we comment on the same person's status, I can't see them and they can't see me. Its a thing of beauty. Twitter, however, hasn't caught up yet. So unfortunately, someone else that I love dearly, but have no respect for keeps gertting re-tweeted into my fucking timeline. This throws a huge monkey wrench in my fantasy that this sad individual was really just a figment of my imagination. I have almost convinced myself that our entire relationship was just something I made up in my head while I was in the hospital. But just as soon as I really start to beleive it, up she pops in my fucking timeline.
Lovely...
Star.

Whats the deal with Lezzies adn threesomes? YUK and HELL NO

For some reason or another, all of my younger Lesbian friends always want to come to me for advice. I find that quit hilarious, considering how good I am at NOT keeping a girlfriend. However, they seem to think I have all the answers because I've been there, done that. I disagree, but if they ask, i'm telling. One recurring theme that I get hit with by the babies (that's what I call all of them).

THREESOMES


*sigh*



I don't get it. I just do NOT get it.  Look, I like sex just as much as the next person. But I'm a relationship girl. And you're telling me I'm supposed to be 100 with having another bitch touching, kissing, and *gasp* f*cking MY girlfriend...while I watch (or partake, or however that sh*t goes).  I'm supposed to enjoy this sh*t? Because I'm a  lesbian? You're telling me I'm NOT supposed to rip this hoe's throat out? I'm NOT supposed to close your eye permanently for even suggesting such a thing? Because I'm a lesbian... Really. Uh, hell no.
Now this is not to say that I haven't done it before. But it was outside of the context of a relationship. My babies always call and ask about having one with their girlfriend dujour (that's girlfriend of the moment for you, uh, yeah). This tells me a couple of things. 1: I am in the minority as a relationship lesbian, and 2: these b*tches out here got the game ALL WRONG.


Once upon a time I offered to "get" a certain girl for my girlfriend at the time as a gift to her for throwing me such an awesome birthday party. Mind you, I was also so drunk at said party that I was asleep before they cut MY birthday cake. That tells you the state of f*cked-up-ness one must be in to get that ish past me. Needless to say, it didn't happen.


Anywhoo, I really wanna know what the thrill is. In straight relationships a threesome is like the big unspoken fantasy of the boyfriend. Its the elephant in the room. You know he's thinking it, You KNOW he wants it. You also know that, in most cases, he has more sense than to even bring it up. But with lesbians its like a given, almost expected. Whenever the issue comes up with the babies I give the truth according to Star and it goes a little something like this:
DON'T DO  IT (especially if you plan on having any type of long term relationship with this girl)
DON'T DO IT (especially if she's a femme and offered it, cuz chances are she's offered it up plenty of times before
DON'T DO IT (especially if your her first, cuz her and the third party are gonna be boning on your down time)
But since you're gonna do it any way, remember this. 
BE SAFE BE SAFE BE SAFE (that's always rule number one)
DO NOT LET IT GO DOWN AT YOU HOME (cuz you will never look at you comfy bed the same again)
and most importantly
BE THE GUEST STAR ( let that one marinate for a minute, it'll come to ya)


Hope that helps someone out there, Cuz i think my babies are just too far gone for salvation. Oh well.




*Star*

The great State of Tennessee and DADT/WTF NEWS

http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2010/11/judge-lesbians-military-turn-straight/

This assclown basically belives that gay men should not be allowed in the military, but Lesbians should. That way the good upstanding straight G.I.'s will not be forced to put up with their gay counterparts, but will be given the opportunity to "straighten out" the lesbians. Click the link to find out how he thinks they should go about achieving that momentous feat. 
I absolutely can not.

I Do Not Date...

Here's another oldie but goodie that I wrote a LONG time ago and never published. Just thought I'd share.
I originally wrot ethis around April of this year.
This is some good info people. Pay attention.
____________________________________________________

 Lesbians are serial daters... I am not. I am a relationship girl. Lezzies tend to see a chick, bone a chick, move in with or move on to the next chick. That mess baffles me. I think that's one of the things that alienates a lot of straight people from us. Even those that are "sympathetic" to our plight. How fast we switch (or add in some cases) partners. How many times have you seen your friend (associate or whatever) at the club with someone one week, then two weeks later, you see them again with someone totally new? Then you ask them, " hey, what happened to so and so?"
Wait two weeks, and repeat.
Its so silly and, more importantly, its dangerous. Casual hookups in a community that doesn't have a a large number of people perpetuates not only a lot of fighting and bullsh*t, but a lot of other stuff you cant get rid of...
We want to be respected and all that then we need to stop acting like the only time were human is when someone straight uses a slur against us. Nobody gets over love in a month/week/day.Stop fronting. Especially you studs.

Short sweet and to the damn point.
*Star*

*RUBS TEMPLES*

No, like for real though... When are we gonna stop doing this shit?

*side note*

Both of them look like they could use a run through the car wash, on high power. 

How babygirl in the back gonna be a strong size 2, with a size 12 beer belly? 

SO many questions.

*sigh*

Miss-Nikki

IF EVER A SONG DESCRIBED MY LAST RELATIONSHIP AND HOW I FEEL RIGHT NOW IN THIS SO-CALLED LIFE OF MINE IT IS THIS ONE. Just be sure to replace "man" with "woman" and you got it.

If ever anyone asks me for my advice about how to make a relationship work all i'm going to say is this: Be friends with your partner first and for most.Trying to become their friend after you become lovers is almost impossible. Be completely comfortable with who YOU are before you join with someone else. You stood on your own 10 toes before them, you can do it again. Ride or chicks need ride or die chicks. Period. Be VERY CLEAR about what is acceptable and what is not. Don't sugar coat sh*t because a weak mind will get preyed upon. Vesace is for sale, LOVE is not, so don't wast your time or your money. Especially when you can afford to buy you own shit. And last but not least, if a person shows you even one time that you are not the one, believe them. Thats all the closure you need.

*sigh*  (Click the sigh, people)



Thanks to a special person who helped me get free.
Thanks even for the unlikely way she helped me clear my mind.
Thanks Dream
Special thanks to the person who didnt try to help put me back together, but instead showed me that I don't need help picking up the pieces. I can do it all by myself.
Thanks Genius


-Still a Star
MissNikki

"If I were a STUD"

I was sitting up listening to my Pandora and Da Creole Qween's (aka Beyonce) song " If I Were a Boy" came on. It made me think of this. Its a REALLY BAD POEM SO PREPARE YOURSELF:
__________________________________________________________________________________

If I were a stud
even just for one day
I would hop out of the bed throw on some recs and be on my way

I wouldnt chase after girls (cuz im far too fly for that), but i wouldnt tell them about MY girl
it would be all good
cuz while im out with them, i'd have my baby at home cooking dinner for me

If I were a stud
I don't think I would understand
How it feels to have my love in pain
I wouldn't do anything about it
Cuz i know she loves me, and she aint going NOWHERE

If I were a stud
I would lock up my phone
Never answer when my girl is around,
and get mad when she does the same

I'd put myself first, tell her "i just dont see your hurt"
Even when Im looking in her eyes
and she tells me what I did made her feel the absolute worst

If I were a stud I would tell my girl "i don't make you do anything you don't want to." When she says, "after all this mess, im still here"

If I were a stud I'd sip wine (pinky finger up) and ignore her tears.

If I were a stud. I'd read this and get mad.
but who gives a fuck anymore...

If I were a stud, i'd tell my girl "don't no stud wanna be your friend"

If I were a stud, I'd pick a fight, go out of town with my "girls", not call my girl while I'm gone, text her once, come back, still not call her, then say, "well, I didnt think you wanted to talk to me..."

If I were a stud, I would try to smooth over the out of order ass texts to my "friend" in my phone, then act like aint nothing ever happened.

If I were a stud, I would read this and say, "you're pushing me away from you!" or "im a private person."

If I were a stud, I would do something that I knew would hurt you, then tell you, I never do anything to hurt you...

_________________________________________________________________________________
I wrote this one in March I think. I'm sure it was somewhere around Memorial Day 2010.
Yeah, Bleh...
Anyway
Miss Nikki

The old saying is ABSOLUTELY TRUE.

No one will buy a cow when they are already getting the damn milk for free. EVER. 

LOVE does NOT conquer all. 

Some people would rather be MISERABLE, than be wrong. 

Happy, successful women, think with their heads. Lonely, sad women think with their hearts. 

Fuck That

STAR
______________________________________________________________________________________________


I wrote this in Sept or Oct of last year (2009) just felt like clearing out some old posts that I hadn't let go off. There are more coming...

It gets better babies..

It really does..Thats all.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8tKrtARATbE


Nik

In todays WTF news...

I'm sorry, BUT WHAT. THE. FUCK?

Miss Nik (has left the muthafucking building)

1 RECOGNIZE WHAT HAPPENED

    once you accept and believe that it is over, you can start the real healing process. 

2. FEEL (AND ACCEPT) THE ANGER

    let it burn. period. and its gonna burn bad. but deal with it.

3. GET SUPPORT

    call on YOUR friends. not your mutaul friends. just those that are gonna be there and remind you how awesome      you are. cuz we tend to forget this when we get blindsided. 

4. MOURN THE LOSS, BUT DON'T WALLOW IN SELF PITY

    Mourn the person being gone. You loved them, so clearly they where someone very special in your life. but do not   stop living. and stay away from drugs and/alcohol. this will make it all worse.

5. GET CLOSURE

    say whatever it is you feel to that person. if they wont see you or talk to you. write it down and burn it. but get it out.

6. NO REBOUNDS

     DON'T DO IT!!!!!

7. LET IT ALL OUT

    kick, yell, scream, whatever. its extremely therapeutic. 

8. LOOK AT YOURSELF

    dumper or dump-y, it takes 2 to tango. think about what part you played in this. so you don't drag it to you next relationship. 

9. "THAT WHICH DOES NOT KILL US, MAKES US STRONGER"

     remember that tomorrow is another day. and no matter how bad you feel, this will not kill you. 

10.LET GO AND LET GOD...

     self explanatory

Bye...

 STAR

Miss Nikki Chanel

Make up your mind people

I'm Just about as sick of this prop 8 shit as I can be. Under what circumstances can you block hetero's from marrying? NONE! So why do you get to anyones? The US gov't is set up like and equation: whatever you do on one side you must do the exact same on the other. Period. It doesn't take all this legal back and forth to see that this is bullshit.
And Im sick of it.
Wake me when its over
 Star

Awww, somebody likes my lil ol' blog...

SO I GOT NOMINATED. I WON'T WIN, BUT IM EXCITED NONETHELESS. SO VOTE FOR ME! EACH NOMINATION IS A VOTE
HERE'S THE LINK
GET TO IT! LOL

http://www.blackweblogawards.com

THANKS GUYS
STAR

I guess I missed the memo. AKA: Today's what the fuck news...

 
 So not only am I drug addict, I'm a sh*t eater too.
Ya'll don't want me to comment on this... 

¿Adora qué? El coño? chica adiós