Stick your head out

Since the other day when I saw the first chick I was ever attracted to, i've been thinking about how crazy I felt back then. I was in the 6th grade, so around 12 or 13 yrs old, right. And i'm thinking why the hell am I feeling like this? I must be losing my damn mind! Then, the older I got the more I noticed other things about myself that didn't neccesarily mirror the images around me. My perceptions of beauty, happiness, and of people, all seemed a bit different from what I had been spoon feed my whole life. I didn't want to be an attorney anymore, I didn't just agree with everything my mother said, just "cuz she said so." I started reading more, listening to different types of music, going to museums. I started thinking that maybe being in the streets wasn't all that glamorous. It definately wasn't fun. I also began listening to myself more, that inner voice in my head was almost screaming at me. It was telling me to follow my heart, pray and be what you really are.

Then I met this girl. Beautiful, country, naive, and just so damn sweet. She was so many things that I wasn't. I fell instantly. I was terrified. It became one of my life experiences that, though chaotic, I look back at fondly.

Once that relationship (if you can even call it that) was over and done with, I became a full blown closet case. Meeting girls here and there, sneaking around, all that usual mess. In the process I was becoming the same trainwreck that I was as a little girl all over again. So one day I just stopped giving a sh*t about other people's'issues and said, "ok its time to get some me, or real." It...was...awesome. With the exception of my son I told everyone to go to hell.

It was difficult at first, being "out." People tend not to take it so well when they've had no clue at all. I am super fish. Hair, makeup outfits, shoes, and bags laid out everyday...period. So it was a bit of a bomb to drop on my family. Everyone got over it but my mother (but that's a post of its own). I was free. Clear. Not hiding any of me behind a bag and a boyfriend. It was amazing. It was just so liberating.

Even with the freedom that has come from openly being who and what I am, life as a lesbian has still been difficult. The thing is, difficult is worth it because at the very least, i'm not living a lie. I am honest with myself and everyone around me. So it's totally worth it. Being a closet case was utterly exausting. I spent so much time fronting for other folks. Such a waste. Time waits for no one and you can't get it back. If more people would just be who and what they really are, it wouldn't be such a stigma being "different". So please, please, please come on out. There is safety in numbers and the view outside that damn closet is beautiful...