Have you ever been so absolutely certain about something and then for whatever reason, life forces you to think that maybe you were wrong? Its a terrible feeling. Its like when little kids find out there's'no Santa Clause. Just completely devestating. When it happens as an adult, you're expected to pick up and proceed, just like nothing ever happened. But we're all human. Letting go of something that meant the world to you is no easier at 30 than it was at 13. Its probably more difficult, actually. Even if some amount of reassurance comes back, you are forever changed, because that thing that you believed in 100%, now exists at only, lets say, 75%. It hurts so bad. It is, unfortunately one of the things i've come to expect from relationships.
With two women, no matter if there's'a masculine/femine situation at play, both are looking for that "thing". The piece of the puzzle that they can not provide for themselves. Its a near impossibility, in my opinion. Because so often, instead of finding that missing piece, we find more pieces just like the ones we already have on our own or more of the pieces we just don't want at all.
Relationships are difficult. Lesbian relationships are hard as hell. There has to be a level of compromise that i've only seen in movies. Women (especially women of color)tend to want to hold on to their issues (good and bad) so they can say, "no one can change me," or "no one's'gonna make me do anything." Before you know it, you and your issues and your "strong woman" declarations are standing all alone.
So when that dream of a relationship that you believed in so much turns out not to be the puzzle piece that you thought it was,step back and take a good look at it. Evaluate whether or not its a piece thats just like the ones you already have that,at the very least, you're already accustomed to dealing with, or is it a piece that is so stuck on not compromising or bending at all to try and fit in your puzzle that you'd'rather not be bothered with at all
On some extra ish right now...
Nik
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
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*SISTAHSTAR*
- SISTAH STAR
- I could rant and rave about me all day. I am one of my favorite subjects. Soon I'll be one of yours too.
COPYWRITTEN, SO DONT COPY ME...
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3 comments:
The problem with "lesbian" relationships is that they are no different than any other relationship. I have been a lesbian my whole life, but let my "devout catholic family" convince me that............the love that my mother once shared.....was the of a woman that almost destroyed her. So for the early part of my years, I've been "in the closet" so to speak. Because at the time I'd rathered be there than on my way to hell!!! So I was stuck in my way and refused to change. Not even for myself.
Then one morning the sun beat me home. I laid in my bed........besides a man I didn't give a damn about......after a wonderful night with a woman I adored. Now here I am laying in the bed not ALONE.......but STILL LONELY!!! So I forced myself to wake up and do things for me!!! I changed what ppl loved and what I hated immediately.
Now currently, I am the happiest I've ever been, but an emotional basket case!!! I love my woman to death, but sometimes.........ooooooooweeeeeee!!!! I just want to shake her and rattle the sense in her head til it comes back. I guess my nxt change is PATIENCE huh?
Relationships good or bad change something in you even for a second. A good one for the most part can make you a better person. A bad one makes you wish you were a worse person than them, so they can feel your pain!!!
Point being........everyone is searching for what they don't have......a soulmate!! However if you take out the "mate" part, you'll be searching for a soul. Something that you already have within.....no one but YOU can do better for YOU than YOU!!!
If you can find that piece of the puzzle being within you or with someone else.......it may not be the right fit.........but if you've had those 500-1000 piece puzzles...........you wear that shit down until it FITS THEY WAY "YOU" LIKE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Nik, girl u did this blog! I have read it 3 times in the last 20 minutes. It’s so true that I'm almost speechless. I've been a Tomboy all my life and an "out" lesbian going on 10 years. I have been in and out of relationships trying to find myself. It has taken some time for me to realize I CANNOT look for myself in other people (even when they seem to bring out the best of me). As far as the puzzles I've been trying to fix them so much and for so long that I want to give up, put the puzzle away, and just work on me. Yes indeed... a relationship is a sacrifice. It can never work if it is one-sided. That’s why since grade school we knew how to write notes protecting our own hearts first. "I like you. Do you like me too? Check one: yes, no, maybe." LOL. I have no problem changing and re-arranging to fit my would-be soul mate's puzzle. I guess I am just a willing person. But it seems like never in a million years will I be able to find that one person that does not mind adjusting to fit MY puzzle. I am so many different things all in one. Because I'm not a picky person people tend to think I must not care. When the real reason I am not picky is because I’m trying to lead by example for your @$$ not to be so d@mn picky! Why is it so hard for others to be willing or versatile especially when they meet a willing or versatile person? Some mofos just will never be open-minded even if they got shot in the head - Which is what gives me a closed-minded attitude towards them. (If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em). One thing you can never do is take 2 stiff-minded people from 2 totally different walks of life, pair them, and try to make them journey together. It will never work. You do better going to beat your head into a brick wall. Minor changes are fine. But to keep altering your life just so you can love comfortably is too much. You end up too far out of your element and you lose who you really are. You’ll eventually see that the puzzle will never be complete because that particular piece didn’t belong in your box in the first place.
Nik, girl u did this blog! I have read it 3 times in the last 20 minutes. It’s so true that I'm almost speechless. I've been a Tomboy all my life and an "out" lesbian going on 10 years. I have been in and out of relationships trying to find myself. It has taken some time for me to realize I CANNOT look for myself in other people (even when they seem to bring out the best of me). As far as the puzzles I've been trying to fix them so much and for so long that I want to give up, put the puzzle away, and just work on me. Yes indeed... a relationship is a sacrifice. It can never work if it is one-sided. That’s why since grade school we knew how to write notes protecting our own hearts first. "I like you. Do you like me too? Check one: yes, no, maybe." LOL. I have no problem changing and re-arranging to fit my would-be soul mate's puzzle. I guess I am just a willing person. But it seems like never in a million years will I be able to find that one person that does not mind adjusting to fit MY puzzle. I am so many different things all in one. Because I'm not a picky person people tend to think I must not care. When the real reason I am not picky is because I’m trying to lead by example for your @$$ not to be so d@mn picky! Why is it so hard for others to be willing or versatile especially when they meet a willing or versatile person? Some mofos just will never be open-minded even if they got shot in the head - Which is what gives me a closed-minded attitude towards them. (If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em). One thing you can never do is take 2 stiff-minded people from 2 totally different walks of life, pair them, and try to make them journey together. It will never work. You do better going to beat your head into a brick wall. Minor changes are fine. But to keep altering your life just so you can love comfortably is too much. You end up too far out of your element and you lose who you really are. You’ll eventually see that the puzzle will never be complete because that particular piece didn’t belong in your box in the first place.
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