Locked and Loaded. (the sober edition)

I have decided not to move back to California. Its good to be wanted. I worked really hard. But I've done the West Coast, time to head in another direction.

It is truly hot as monkey nuts in Memphis right now. This shit is unreal. I'm outta here for at least a month. Shit.

New relationships are always interesting. Passion is great, but the true connection has to happen when everyone has all of their clothes on. Ask me how I know.

I HATE HATE HATE when lezzies break up with someone and all of a sudden try and act like the ex wasnt all that. Ol' girl was the hot nu nu when you where together, but now she's wack? Chyle please. My ex was a BEAST. Would I get with her ever again? Hell would have to freeze over 15 times. Make that 20.

Two people that are EXTREMELY important to me are now wanging each other. I have a mini panick attack whenver one of them calls me. Its funny...sometimes.

West Coast women are the party. East Cost women are the business.

 LOL

-Nik

It isnt over yet...

Tomorrow I have to go back to court. Again. For the same bullshit. The woman who stabbed me 3 times
filed for an appeal bond after she was sentenced. And I have to sit through this shit again. AGAIN. Let’s not even discuss the fact that they only sentenced her to 6 months. No, let’s just not even deal with what that said to me. Let’s deal with what all this brings up for me. I’m just the girl who almost died. 3 minutes away. From death. 3... minutes. All the things, good and bad, that I attached my happiness to because of what happened to me, are gone. The pain pills, the alcohol, my girlfriend. All of it. It took me till March 2nd of this year (two entire years after the incident) to get to a place where I didn't just spontaneously burst into tears. I still to this day can't watch any movies where there's any type of brutal knife action or the even the sound of anything being sliced. It drives me crazy. And God forbid I walk past a tall mixed stud with two long braids. I'd go completely to pieces.







I spent so many hours being just afraid. And that’s not the kind of girl I have ever been. But when March 2nd 2011 rolled around and I didn't even get a "happy survivor day" text from the only person besides my son that I thought I couldn't breathe without, something changed inside me. It’s strange when you can pinpoint the exact moment you feel something change. Now, I'm not even going to be so deep as to say "oh my heart let her go" or no bull like that. I just knew on March 2nd, that my gut had been right all along and it was my own fault for not listening. Since then, I’ve tried to loosen up a lot. I stopped hiding all the steak knives out of view in my house (well, most of them anyway) and I haven't had too many negative thoughts about that my ex, or even my attacker, or my scars since.






Then I find out that it really isn’t over. That the knife wielding fool is still out. That I have to go to court AGAIN. Unfortunately, every time I have to think about what happened to me, I also have to think about my ex-girlfriend. The two things are permanently linked in my mind for a few reasons that I won't go into right now. So having to go back to fucking court caused a tsunami in my mind and my heart. And all the steel reserve I had built against my attacker and my old Dream girl came crashing down around my feet. So today, every fucking song on the radio is something the ex and I had sex to (Trey Songz), or danced to(Drake), or something that was on mass rotation in Miami when we met(Rhianna)... and then there's every fucking song on Adele' s new album that just screams her name to me(Rolling in the Deep, Someone Like You). And somehow, today, all of my scars look a lot more hideous than they did yesterday. This shit never ends. So I took to the blog. Not to vent. Just to make a point. It’s been said that if you ever loved a person, you always love them. Even when it’s over. Even if it ended ugly. It never stops. You just learn new ways of living without them. I've said before on here that I have truly been in love twice in my life: my Redd and my Cali Dream. Hopefully that saying about people only getting 3 true loves in their life isn't true, cuz if it is I’m just about out of the game. Only time will tell. Anyway. I will sit up in that court room tomorrow with my head held high, looking good, successful, blessed to be alive, and ready to be a blessing to someone else. And no matter what the outcome, those four things will still apply to me. I'll just start my walk away from my last love and my wounds all over again. But one thing for absolute certain, I'm a tough cookie so I’ll be fine. I’m mean; who else do YOU know with 3 major stabs wounds and 2 major heartbreaks, and one partially functioning lung, yet still out here smelling like Bulgari? Yeah, that’s what I thought.




What, you thought this was gonna end another way?


I’m a cold piece of work. Or so I’ve been told.


#tigerblood bitch


Star

I want...

D_R_-'A S. W_-:/N"T+N right now. More than anything.

Nik

I Do Not Date...

Here's another oldie but goodie that I wrote a LONG time ago and never published. Just thought I'd share.
I originally wrot ethis around April of this year.
This is some good info people. Pay attention.
____________________________________________________

 Lesbians are serial daters... I am not. I am a relationship girl. Lezzies tend to see a chick, bone a chick, move in with or move on to the next chick. That mess baffles me. I think that's one of the things that alienates a lot of straight people from us. Even those that are "sympathetic" to our plight. How fast we switch (or add in some cases) partners. How many times have you seen your friend (associate or whatever) at the club with someone one week, then two weeks later, you see them again with someone totally new? Then you ask them, " hey, what happened to so and so?"
Wait two weeks, and repeat.
Its so silly and, more importantly, its dangerous. Casual hookups in a community that doesn't have a a large number of people perpetuates not only a lot of fighting and bullsh*t, but a lot of other stuff you cant get rid of...
We want to be respected and all that then we need to stop acting like the only time were human is when someone straight uses a slur against us. Nobody gets over love in a month/week/day.Stop fronting. Especially you studs.

Short sweet and to the damn point.
*Star*

MY WISH LIST...

Since I haven't gotten a birthday or Christmas present in 2 years (not including the Mercedes I bought myself), I thought I would put together this little wish list for you all. So listen up lurkers, followers, and anyone else who may want to take pity on me *cue violins*.


1 Christian Louboutin Greissimo Pump size 8.5 9
2 new rims for the new whip (stock only, no hood ish for my baby)
3 amex gift cards (in any amount over $100)
4 target gift cards (in any amount over $30)
5 MAC Book pro
6 purple ipod
7 purple ipod
8 purple ipod
9 purple ipod
10PURPLE F*CKING IPOD

Feel free to start anywhere on the list. 

KAYTHNXBYE


*Twinkle*

Locked and Loaded... You know u miss it

i am without a doubt, a ride or die girl. but dont do no f*ck sh*t in front of me now that I have kids.

after "the incident" i realized who my associates where. after I healed, i  realized who the wolves in sheep's clothing where. i see you

the woman i treated the absolute worst, is the person who loves me the absolute most. that b*tch is ride or die.

relationships are not for everyone. unfortunately, those people are hella sexy and hella charismatic. and so good in bed.fml

stop trying to keep b*tches that dont want to be kept.

some sh*t is unacceptable.

if it aint about a dollar it aint about me neither..... I was off that for a minute, but im back on it with a vengeance

twitter and skype has saved my sanity. keeps me  connected to the one stud that i dont think is in any way full of sh*t, with the shit, on that bullsh*t, or ratchet. cuz this damn blackberry is a piece of crap.

i'm getting married next year.

*STAR*

Locked and Loaded... Returns Again

I have noticed that a particular blog that I follow, even though the owner doesn't particularly care for me, has started doing something VERY similar to my locked and loaded posts. I don't mind really, but ya'll know who started this foolishness. Anyway, I know ya'll love them and I miss doing them. So here goes:

__________________________________________________________________________________

I will be having some type of party on March 2nd 2010. Something big. I desearve it.

Never trust a big butt and a smile

A sounthern accent in North Cali will get you almost anything.

Sometimes love comes around, and it knocks you down. But I fight back.

They sell Verve Clicqot in Target out here. For $40. Ya'll know i'm in trouble, right?

Cali is good to me. Just like I knew she would be....

Uh Huh....

*Shining Bright*  *Sip Sip*

*STAR*

Entirely too personal, but very neccessary

I'm sitting up watching one of my favorite movies of all times, Sex and the City, and some things jumped out at me. Well, it kind of smacked me in the face like a baseball bat. 

1. When Samantha is talking about the direction her relationship with Smith was heading she says," he stayed with me through my treatments." Carrie appropriately responds, "Sweetie, you just compared your relationship...to chemo..." 
2. When Carrie goes to get her absolutely beautiful, never worn pair of Manolo Blahniks (that I would trade my mother for, by the way), she opens the closet door and sees Big standing there. They pause, look at each other, then she runs into his arms. The rest is history. 


Those two events brought up some really heavy relationship stuff for me. As does everything these days. Whatever..

In case you didn't know, my relationship before this one ended in a very ugly, very bloody mess. I ended up in the trauma center fighting for my life. That's all I'm saying about that. I have mentioned before that I have my own personal army. The captain of that army is my homegirl. The General is my girlfriend. 

Sidenote: I am not accustomed to calling her anything other than my girlfriend so deal with it. Don't judge me.

Anyways...  She put me through a lot. Not the typical relationship stuff. Just emotional rollercoaster type-a-shit that I am wondering now would I have put up with if she where not "The General." This is the  person that did not leave my side for days during my ordeal. I saw her more than my mother. Seriously. In my morphine induced haze I feel deeper and deeper in love with this woman and way faster than normal. Given the circumstances that's understandable though, right?


Anyhoo, when I heard that (#1) in the movie it made me really think of what I was holding on to. 

Then the next thing (#2) brought up this other issue. Me and baby are already in, wait... shit, WHERE IN (ugh!) a long distance relationship. The longest we'd been apart were these last few months. That's when all the ups and downs got really, REALLY bad. Yeah. So when Carrie sees Big for the first time after what he put her through, she stops, looks, and finally runs into his arms. They are, once again, inseparable. But for good this time. So I'm wondering: What's it going to be like when I finally see her again? 

Now, I know I be on some ol' Nicki Minaj " ima bad b*tch, ima, ima bad b*tch" ish,(cuz i am, after all, a bad b*tch), but I am also a hopeless romantic and a believer in soul mates and love and all that stuff. So it could go a couple of different ways...

Who knows. Maybe when we do see one another again, it will be all good. Maybe not. But I don't like surprises and I'm a deep thinker sooooo. 

I was just wondering. 

Thats all.

*Star*

Eye See Now

I try not too get too personal on my little blog. From time to time I may talk about the Drama and my Momma. My son is freaking hilarious (and I am a super proud mom), so I think the world should know about that. I never really go too deep in detail about my relationships. Other than a vague mention here and there (well, except that one time) I have always tried to keep that to myself, for a couple of reasons. Right now, unfortunately, I find myself without a way to express what I am feeling other than to post about it here. Well, bitches, its my blog, I paid for it so here goes.

Love is the most ridiculous thing. Its up there with marriage and religion. Just plain crazy as hell. Out of the three, though, love is the one thing that we mere mortals have no control over. Now you may not practice any religion or ever get married. Those things, for the most part, are choices. There's no way to control with whom or when or how hard you fall in love. So I am going to put it out there that I am in love with someone that I can't be with. I can't see her, I can't touch her, talk to her, almost can't stand the thought of her... yet and still I love her with all my heart.

And there's not a damn thing I can do about it.
And it hurts like hell.

I want so badly to be able to scream and curse and all of those things that you do when you're mad, but I can't. The trouble is, I'm not mad at all. Hurt. Devastated. Defeated. Those words apply . Mad, does not.

I said in a prior post that I am not a gambler. This situation has made me realize that, that's not entirely accurate. I gamble often and I bet BIG. Forever is a long time and Never say Never. Time heals all wounds and this too, shall pass. Yeah insert your favorite cliche here: 

Whatever. All I know this: All I know is this. I love that damn girl. Always will. All I can do is move forward, but its gonna be a long time before I move on.

Yep, I hear you loud and clear...

*Star*

And I betcha didn't know that, ebony eyes...

Cant sleep. Feel like sharing...

My son changed my life.

I officially love Twitter.

I have ZERO patience, and I pray about that one ALOT.

I first thought I was gay when I was in the 6th grade. It scared the sh*t out of me.

Religion gets on my reserve nerve.

If there was an Olympic event for marriages, my mom would be standing on the podium right below Elizabeth Taylor.

My girlfriend has one of the most complicated personalitoes I have ever encountered on my entire life.

The Game is, in my opinion, is one of the best scripted television shows ever.

If I don't get back to California soon, i'm going to have myself committed.

Two days ago I found out that the party I went to this weekend was hosted by the girl who effed up my taxes. I was not pleased.

I hate hospitals, ghetto sh*t, bad ass kids, and stereotypes. (i'm pretty sure ya'll knew that one)

Thats all
*Star*

Too many irons on the fire.

I have a gazillion projects going on. Not to mention, I started working out again. The exercise helps though, since it makes me get on some type of schedule. My diet is THEBOMB.COM! I absolutely do NOT eat meat and haven't had chicken in forever. So I eat a LOT of fish and other seafood. This is great for a couple of reasons. First, because I don't drink nearly enough water, and secondly, its making my hair and nails look super good! Chicken is becoming an issue because I work retail and that's the only thing readily available so I may have to add that back in. The point is this: I have so many things going on right now and I was starting to get overwhelmed and a little bit down about it all. I need to be working on my book, I'm finishing school, i'm stuck in no mans land Memphis, and I'm tired all the time. But in the last week, I feel like I found a light at the end of the tunnel. So even though I am sore as can be from working out, I don't really mind it. I have a great lady who love, love, loves me, great friends, and I'm blessed. (Cue the violins)
So right now, this Star is feeling good and shining bright.
Just felt like sharing...

NOW BACK TO OUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED PROGRAM!

*STAR*

I did it, I did it!!!!

 After many tries and #epicfails, I finally got my twitterfeed working! I am so happy. Now I can stop threatening my followers on twitter and making them re tweet for me every time I post on the blog. Yippie, yippie horaay.... (so gay) * skipping around the room and throwing pink jia glitter everywhere*

Oh and can ya'll tell that I got my internet back? Its a good thing too, cuz my blackberry was catching hell!
You guys are in sooooooooo much trouble now...
*Star*

In a serious funk...

I have really been neglecting my blog lately. I have been having some serious difficulties focusing on what I want to write. Not because I haven't had a crap load of possible material land in my lap. Stupid gay sh*t seems to seek me out. Every day I am faced with something blog-worthy. Its just that, because of all the stuff going on around me, I am just totally confuzzeled. I have entirely too many irons on the fire. It's my own fault for just sitting back and expecting everything to work itself out. So now, I have to scramble and pull it all together, quickly. Unfortunately for my creative mind, I have a serious problem with procrastination. An artistic person with procrastination issues is a disaster and a half. All of that is about to change. I know, more than ever before, what I really want out of my life. There are some things that I have been doing for the last couple of years that have been contradictory to my future plans and goals. Enough. It probably seems like I am just rambling on, but there is a method to the madness. So the bottom line is this: I gotta make some major changes and I have to stop waiting on "the right time". The time may never be perfect, and waiting is only going to make it harder. Unfortunately, my little epiphany has taken my blog as a hostage. For the next week or so (2 weeks tops) I will probably NOT be posting anything new on sistahstar.com Seeing that there aren't that many dedicated readers, I don't think that will be a huge problem. Just say an extra prayer for ya girl and stay tuned. The best is yet to come, I promise...

Nik

I gambled...and lost.

It came to me today. I was at work looking around and something major occurred to me. 8+ years ago, I gambled my future on the hopes that a big company would, or even could, believe in me like I believed in myself. Today, I realized that, without a doubt, I made a huge mistake. I have been with the same company for over 8 years. When I started, I had some really big dreams. I worked my ass off to show and prove. Every dream they sold me to keep me, I bought. If anyone had told me that after almost 10 years of sacrifice in an attempt to live a dream through a company that I loved I would still be where I am, I would never have believed it. If anyone would have told me that I as my child approaches his 6th year of life on this earth that his own mother would have only taken him to the movies 3 times and to maybe 3 birthday parties because she works every weekend and almost every night, I would have never believed it. But today, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I have no one to blame but myself and no one can do anything about it but me.

And I'm going to do something about it right now. I cant waste another minute. I am 30 years old and I gotta make my next move my best move.

Yea, just felt like sharing

Watch how I do...

Nik

Same sh*t, different day

I am supremely annoyed this morning. Don't know why. This morning is no different from any other one. Wake up(alone), eat cereal(alone), get ready for work, blah blah blah. I am so overwhelmed and tired right now. There are about four projects that I'm working on, all of which require my undivided attention. Along with that, my son is home from summer vacation, there is drama in my family, and I still have my responsibilities at work to contend with. Oh yeah, lets not forget the "joys" of being in a long distance relationship. Whew! I love it though. I know that one of these days I'm going to drag myself out of bed and success will be waiting to greet me. Sooooo, hi ho, hi ho, it's off to work I go...

later
Nik

New Series: Locked and Loaded

Random stuff that occurs to me when I've been "overserved." Like now.
_____________________________________________________________________________________

Why is it that I have like, 500 chanels and I only watch 5 of them?
How much food can a skinny five year old boy really consume in one day?
There really is no way to prepare yourself the end of a relationship.
If I could have one super power I would definately be a jumper.
I wonder if George W. Bush feels sorry for any of this mess.
Why do people cheat on each other?
What does Donald Trumps hair really look like

I could go on. I won't.
Nik

I just had the best meeting with a photographer friend of mine. He was so uplifting and hungry! I love it when people are not jaded by life or success or whatever. I remember when I was just starting out doing makeup. I had little support from my family and was learning everything on my own. I still sometimes feel that way now. There will never come a day when I am not trying to learn something. With or without the support of certain peole, I will continue. In this life, I am continuosly trying to be the best Nikki that I can be. That is something that only I can bring into reality. So no matter how hard others may work to keep me from believing and receiving, I will continue. My talents are just that, gifts from God. I will not waste them. Nor will I allow anyone to tell me that my talents are being wasted because of who I may love. So Im going to keep doing me and if that makes anyone mad, sad, or uncomfortable, well then that's just too damn bad. Don't ya love how I can relate any and everything back to me being gay? I know you do.

The unedited ramblings pt:1

I am terrified of spiders.

My friends (aka:the sisters) are my real family They are the most hopelessly heterosexual woman I have EVER seen, yet they love me unconditionally.

I have my very own personal army. Its a great thing to feel so protected not only by God, but by good people.

My son is the most important thing in the world to me. My younger brother is a very close second.

In my life I have made many mistakes, but I can truly say that I learned something from all of them.

I am a firm believer in karma, so there's no need for revenge.

Sometimes I see entire episodes of life in my head. It plays like a movie. Strange, but very helpful.

It is my firm belief that, without a doubt, "thats just my baby daddy" is the dumbest and most embarrassing song (and video)ever created.

I cant front, even though i'm 30 years old, I bump Gucci Mane at least once day. GUCCI!

Never will I understand why or how people can be closed-minded, judgemental, or republican.

Don't know how I survived without ON DEMAND for as long as I did.

I hate scary movies and chick flicks.

Still haven't figured out what love has to do with anything.

If it don't make dollars, it don't make sense.



That's just the tip of the iceberg.
More of me to come
Nik