I want...

D_R_-'A S. W_-:/N"T+N right now. More than anything.

Nik

You aint fooling me...

I am absolutely convinced that Wendy Williams is on some Caster Semenaya ish. Like she's not totally a man but not totally a woman either. The difference is she knows it. There is no way in the world Wendy Williams looks at herself in the mirror and sees femininity. AIN'T NO WAY. Not just because she's humongous, but she's so harsh. everything about her screams bad drag to me. I'm a makeup artist, so trust, I know bad drag. That hair hat, that voice, those mannerisms. Its all just so...much. Its like someone puts her together with a few pieces of a leftover women and a LOT of pieces of leftover men. Its just too weird for me.I don't think I'm alone in this thought process am I?
Just Wondering.
*Star*

You Fail @ Life

Everybody always says that they aren't with any drama and they avoid it all cost and yada yada yada. There are those who truly mean it when they say this. However, it is my true and firm belief that, in the life, there are a great many who not only stay in some drama, they seek it out and can not live without it. One such individual crossed paths with me and a couple friends of mine a few weeks ago. This particular individual used to be an acquaintance of mine and, as far as I knew, was still an acquaintance of mine until I had to shame her ass in front of her coworkers. I spoke to her, being cool, she barked, I bite. Simple. My ex just happened to be with us when this happened so you can imagine how that went. Ok, whatever, move forward. Last night I am RUDELY awakened by my phone blowing up. I'm thinking somebody must be dead or dying calling me like that. Not at all the case. My ex is out chilling and the previously mentioned former acquaintance just happens to be out with her crew. They see each other and sparks start flying. So my ex is on my phone telling me that if she goes to jail tonight, I need to bail her out. (well of course, im gonna bail you out, but if you go to jail for fighting that loser in the club your ass will most definitely sit there 24 hours before I come and get you out). That fool is top flight security of the world, you (the ex) works for the damn sheriffs department. Who's gonna lose more? See my ex is a country bama ass, "I'll fight you to the death in the dirt on principle," type of girl. She drives me literally insane, but she's good as gold. So I tell her to get outta there cuz we, as a crew, are far too fly to fight in the club. However, the aqauintence is a, "I think i'm Boosie bad azz even though life has taught me otherwise plenty of times," type. Needless to say I say f*ck it and go back to sleep. I find out the next day that all was well, but there is a storm brewing and I know it.
The impending storm is the direct result of little miss top flight being one of those drama types. If you know more than five lesbians this description will make perfect sense to you. This girl tries, pretends, tells herself that she is a man and this is how a man acts. Walking around all day with her chest all stuck out. Got the girlfriend with the head to toe Holidays outfit on, full head of synthetic hair, 3.5 inch (hot pink) acrylics, plastic shoes that never touch the ground, etc.  She rides with her fake watch hanging out the window, cuz to her, thats what real niggaz do, she slaps her girlfriend around cuz to her, thats what real niggas do. Blah, blah, blah...
What she fails to realize or is to stupid to recognize is that real bitches don't eff with dudes that act like that cuz that aint real either. So why in the hell would a real bitch eff with a female that acts like a fake dude? Too many angles, not enough time.
I know drama-lovers come in all shapes and sizes. I have been told that I am excessively hard on the gay community. I don't think so. I think I just state facts and to me it appears that every 6th gay person falls into this unfortunate category. And I am sick to death of these b*tches. I wonder if we gave them their own night at the club would they eventually just get rid of each other for the rest of us? That sounds like a good idea. I may have to look into that. I'll call it Drama-Zone , hosted by Drama-free, featuing DJdrama.. Lol. I like that.
You heffas get on my reserve f*cking nerve..
*STAR*

oh the media.who acts like this? i mean really...

Yeah, I said it, and I'll say it again too. Will you?

One of the things that I have really been proud of accomplishing since I got out of my last disaster of a relationship is my newfound ability and desire to just listen. To be quite and burn what people say to me into my mind.That way I can form an educated response to what has been said to me and, more importantly, I can better understand where the speaker is coming from. Even if what they're saying is completely to the left of what I think or believe, if I listen intently, I at least have a chance of seeing their perspective. What I can not tolerate is when I'm dealing with people who say one thing then, when you repeat it to them for verification, they just move on to something else completely. That sh*t drives me crazy. I am a woman of my word. Now more than ever. If I said it once I will say it again, word for word. Right or wrong, I said it, i'll stand up for it. I keep meeting these people that either can not, or will not have the courage of their convictions. I mean, don't say sh*t you don't mean. It makes you look stupid. What's worse in my eyes is that it makes you look weak. Weak people tu tu turn me off! I think its becasue of the way Iwas raised. We weren't hella broke, but times got hard. Often. If our folks were always turning pussy every time sh*t got rough or constantly letting people pull their bitch card, maybe weakness wouldn't bother me as much. But it does. Oh well. So the moral of the story is this: when dealing with me please be real. If you're a weak person, come to me as such. Don't step to me like you all Boosie Bad Ass, only to have me find out MUCH later, you slick hollow when under pressure. This is not to say that i'm Lil Boosie myself, as I am clearly an emotional train wreck, but I will stand up for myself and what I believe. I WILL NEVER BACK DOWN IF I TRULY BELIEVE SOMETHING, I WILL NOT BITE MY TONGUE, AND IF I SAID IT ONCE YOU CAN BE SURE THAT I WILL SAY IT AGAIN, TO YOUR FACE.

I decided to write this because I am seeing an influx of Bitchassness in a specific area of the glbt community. That area being the "stud" demographic. Part of the reason this is so noticable is because of the unfortunate front that studs have put on for so long. For many of them, in the pursuit of what they believe is masculinity, the front of "hardness" and lack of emotion is so severe that it leaves the real personality lost and burning under the surface, just waiting on the chance to get out. To many studs it is though their false sense of masculinity is a kind of wall to hide behind. Touble is, walls fall down. Then what? whatever you're hiding is exposed for the world to see. Worse than that, that person that was trying to love them anyway, tyring to get past the shell may be gone. That's why it's always best to be real out the gate. There are no roles and no scripts. The sooner these studs stop believing the hype and see/show who they really are, the better off we will all be.

Sooo if you're a bitch, be that. If you're a big ol' softy, be that. Or whatever you are. JUST DO YOU. And be you from day one! NO Fronting, NO bull. Who has time to be making bitches over anymore? Who has time to be falling in love with one person then finding out that its not who they thought they fell in love with. Ugh! How about this:

S'il vous plaît les gens agissent votre âge, pas votre taille de chaussure!

Please and thank you.

I'm going to get off my soapbox ...for now.

Nik

Stick your head out

Since the other day when I saw the first chick I was ever attracted to, i've been thinking about how crazy I felt back then. I was in the 6th grade, so around 12 or 13 yrs old, right. And i'm thinking why the hell am I feeling like this? I must be losing my damn mind! Then, the older I got the more I noticed other things about myself that didn't neccesarily mirror the images around me. My perceptions of beauty, happiness, and of people, all seemed a bit different from what I had been spoon feed my whole life. I didn't want to be an attorney anymore, I didn't just agree with everything my mother said, just "cuz she said so." I started reading more, listening to different types of music, going to museums. I started thinking that maybe being in the streets wasn't all that glamorous. It definately wasn't fun. I also began listening to myself more, that inner voice in my head was almost screaming at me. It was telling me to follow my heart, pray and be what you really are.

Then I met this girl. Beautiful, country, naive, and just so damn sweet. She was so many things that I wasn't. I fell instantly. I was terrified. It became one of my life experiences that, though chaotic, I look back at fondly.

Once that relationship (if you can even call it that) was over and done with, I became a full blown closet case. Meeting girls here and there, sneaking around, all that usual mess. In the process I was becoming the same trainwreck that I was as a little girl all over again. So one day I just stopped giving a sh*t about other people's'issues and said, "ok its time to get some me, or real." It...was...awesome. With the exception of my son I told everyone to go to hell.

It was difficult at first, being "out." People tend not to take it so well when they've had no clue at all. I am super fish. Hair, makeup outfits, shoes, and bags laid out everyday...period. So it was a bit of a bomb to drop on my family. Everyone got over it but my mother (but that's a post of its own). I was free. Clear. Not hiding any of me behind a bag and a boyfriend. It was amazing. It was just so liberating.

Even with the freedom that has come from openly being who and what I am, life as a lesbian has still been difficult. The thing is, difficult is worth it because at the very least, i'm not living a lie. I am honest with myself and everyone around me. So it's totally worth it. Being a closet case was utterly exausting. I spent so much time fronting for other folks. Such a waste. Time waits for no one and you can't get it back. If more people would just be who and what they really are, it wouldn't be such a stigma being "different". So please, please, please come on out. There is safety in numbers and the view outside that damn closet is beautiful...

Girl Crush

Guess who I saw today!!!!! The first girl I EVER had a crush on!!!! From the 6th grade. OMG! She looked a damn mess. This bitch treated me like crap after I started giving her "the look". All of this after I found out from our other friend that she thought I was "pretty and she wanted to kiss me". That came out of her diary, which got passed around our elementary school like a nudie pic. Hahaha. Karma, baby! No need for revenge. Chuuuch.

Gay for Pay

HBO has this series called Cathouse. It's all about the Moonlight Bunny Ranch outside of Vegas (you know, the spot where prostitution is legal). So there's this black chick on there that's talking about how she's not into girls at all, but it is, of course, something she'll do for the money. That got me thinking. In the real world there are sooooooooooo many people, guys and girls, that will go there because of what somebody will give them.I see it almost everyday.
Let's say a "straight" guy (dude #1) meets another guy (dude#2). #2 is paid. I mean ballin' out the frame. He has the big house the hot car(s), and is, at all times, fresh to death. Besides all of that, he's super cool and Very generous with his possessions. He's also gay. #2 is feeling #1 and makes that clear buy buying him expensive gifts, giving him money and all that other trick sh*t. #2's motives are clear. Because #1 is falling for the lifestyle he "plays along".All the way. Now what does that say about him? First of all, no "straight" man is about to be accepting gifts from another dude. Period. With men, if you're down, you're down. Face it. With women, its a bit more complicated. Anybody can lick your, well, you know, but it takes a lot more than that to make a dyke. You get my point, though. I'm just NOT about to believe that any dude who hasn't had the urge at least once is going to just be ok with getting poked in the a** in exchange for some nice gifts. I'm just saying...