Man... What a difference a year makes.

I was cleaning out my E life today, all the blogs, feeds, etc that I have, and I realized I had completely abandoned this little blog. I remember a time when this thing was my EVERYTHING. I took to it when I was happy, sad, and everything in between. It was like internet therapy. When I moved to California, when my ex dumped me, when my moms pissed me off, court , work, crazy ass lesbian clubs, whatever it was, it went on sistahstar.com It amazes me that I totally forgot about this space. But it also says a lot about the progress and growth that has occurred in my life. And i'm happy about that. It was a long road and i'm still riding it, but so much of what this blog had come to be about is in my rear view now. And it feels good. So I'm pretty sure this will be my last post. I think i'll shut it down. No need to look back, especially when the view ahead is so good. The Most High has blessed my life, my company, my family in ways I would have never dreamed possible a year ago. So, to the few of you still around, thanks for hanging in there. This little lesbian is out.

Gurl, NO.

ABSOLUTELY F*CKING NOT

BYE

NIK

I really wish my mom would watch this... aka: Netflix is the sh*t

Since there is only one flat screen in my studio(cuz im really cheap now), I spend a great deal of time on Netflix. Today, I stumbled upon this amazing documentary called "For The Bible Tells Me So." It goes through the stories of about 5 or 6 families, deeply rooted in different religious denominations. Each of these families went through a very specific struggle with their faith and homosexuality. It also breaks down the biblical references that most people use as there base for hating and mistreating Gays and Lesbians in the good ol' United States. This. Movie. Is. Amazing. Everyone should watch it. I'd never even heard of this documentary before. Like I said, i literally stumbled upon it while looking for "the Last Emperor (a documentary about Valentino's Last couture show).  There are so many things in this film that stood out to me. The 2 things that spoke to me the most where the way the film breaks down, very specifically, the commonly held beliefs that the Bible thumpers use to rile up the sheep (that's what I call the followers that don't read and study for themselves). The second thing is that the mother in the black family featured in the film (the only black family, go figure) expressed that years after her daughter came out to her and her preacher husband, she realized that the thing that disturbed her the most about her daughter's sexuality was her unconscious obsession with what she was doing in her bedroom. Just saying "Mom, Dad, Im gay", isn't really what was pushing her over the edge.  For some reason, her mind was wrapped up in the way her daughter was acting in her relationship. When she realized this, she was able to make a conscious decision to not concern herself with that aspect of her child's relationships. After that she was able to accept that her child was simply different from her. She stated, "I was thinking totally about how she was having sex and not about her as a person."


That's heavy. 

I WISH I COULD GET MY MOTHER TO WATCH THIS. 


Because this post is so close to home for me, i'm gonna stop there. But if you ever get the chance, please check out the film.And tell a friend to tell a friend to watch it. Spread the word.


Nik

Locked and Loaded. (the sober edition)

I have decided not to move back to California. Its good to be wanted. I worked really hard. But I've done the West Coast, time to head in another direction.

It is truly hot as monkey nuts in Memphis right now. This shit is unreal. I'm outta here for at least a month. Shit.

New relationships are always interesting. Passion is great, but the true connection has to happen when everyone has all of their clothes on. Ask me how I know.

I HATE HATE HATE when lezzies break up with someone and all of a sudden try and act like the ex wasnt all that. Ol' girl was the hot nu nu when you where together, but now she's wack? Chyle please. My ex was a BEAST. Would I get with her ever again? Hell would have to freeze over 15 times. Make that 20.

Two people that are EXTREMELY important to me are now wanging each other. I have a mini panick attack whenver one of them calls me. Its funny...sometimes.

West Coast women are the party. East Cost women are the business.

 LOL

-Nik

It isnt over yet...

Tomorrow I have to go back to court. Again. For the same bullshit. The woman who stabbed me 3 times
filed for an appeal bond after she was sentenced. And I have to sit through this shit again. AGAIN. Let’s not even discuss the fact that they only sentenced her to 6 months. No, let’s just not even deal with what that said to me. Let’s deal with what all this brings up for me. I’m just the girl who almost died. 3 minutes away. From death. 3... minutes. All the things, good and bad, that I attached my happiness to because of what happened to me, are gone. The pain pills, the alcohol, my girlfriend. All of it. It took me till March 2nd of this year (two entire years after the incident) to get to a place where I didn't just spontaneously burst into tears. I still to this day can't watch any movies where there's any type of brutal knife action or the even the sound of anything being sliced. It drives me crazy. And God forbid I walk past a tall mixed stud with two long braids. I'd go completely to pieces.







I spent so many hours being just afraid. And that’s not the kind of girl I have ever been. But when March 2nd 2011 rolled around and I didn't even get a "happy survivor day" text from the only person besides my son that I thought I couldn't breathe without, something changed inside me. It’s strange when you can pinpoint the exact moment you feel something change. Now, I'm not even going to be so deep as to say "oh my heart let her go" or no bull like that. I just knew on March 2nd, that my gut had been right all along and it was my own fault for not listening. Since then, I’ve tried to loosen up a lot. I stopped hiding all the steak knives out of view in my house (well, most of them anyway) and I haven't had too many negative thoughts about that my ex, or even my attacker, or my scars since.






Then I find out that it really isn’t over. That the knife wielding fool is still out. That I have to go to court AGAIN. Unfortunately, every time I have to think about what happened to me, I also have to think about my ex-girlfriend. The two things are permanently linked in my mind for a few reasons that I won't go into right now. So having to go back to fucking court caused a tsunami in my mind and my heart. And all the steel reserve I had built against my attacker and my old Dream girl came crashing down around my feet. So today, every fucking song on the radio is something the ex and I had sex to (Trey Songz), or danced to(Drake), or something that was on mass rotation in Miami when we met(Rhianna)... and then there's every fucking song on Adele' s new album that just screams her name to me(Rolling in the Deep, Someone Like You). And somehow, today, all of my scars look a lot more hideous than they did yesterday. This shit never ends. So I took to the blog. Not to vent. Just to make a point. It’s been said that if you ever loved a person, you always love them. Even when it’s over. Even if it ended ugly. It never stops. You just learn new ways of living without them. I've said before on here that I have truly been in love twice in my life: my Redd and my Cali Dream. Hopefully that saying about people only getting 3 true loves in their life isn't true, cuz if it is I’m just about out of the game. Only time will tell. Anyway. I will sit up in that court room tomorrow with my head held high, looking good, successful, blessed to be alive, and ready to be a blessing to someone else. And no matter what the outcome, those four things will still apply to me. I'll just start my walk away from my last love and my wounds all over again. But one thing for absolute certain, I'm a tough cookie so I’ll be fine. I’m mean; who else do YOU know with 3 major stabs wounds and 2 major heartbreaks, and one partially functioning lung, yet still out here smelling like Bulgari? Yeah, that’s what I thought.




What, you thought this was gonna end another way?


I’m a cold piece of work. Or so I’ve been told.


#tigerblood bitch


Star

I was about to do a blog but the Captain and another one of my followers are standing in my bedroom doorway getting on my nerves. So this will have to wait till later. FML. Anyways. See ya'll on Twitter.
NIk

I want...

D_R_-'A S. W_-:/N"T+N right now. More than anything.

Nik

In Dreams

 DREAM #1

Me: What the hell?! 

Her: It was too much too fast, huh?

Me: Yeah, Genius. It was. 

Her: Its cool. I knew what I was doing. 

Me: Thanks. I think.

To be continued...

DREAM #2
Me: You called me. Why?
Her: Look, this is stupid. We've been through this a thousand times.We're older,wiser, and smarter. And we have a kid.
Me: Umm yeah. But what's the point.
Her: I'm sorry. I really am. I played that sh*t all wrong. You already apologized. Lets make it happen. I'll be over after work in the morning.
Me: Ok.
To be continued...

I want to give facebook a hug. And flip twitter the bird.

I love how when you block someone on facebook, they are COMPLETELY shut off from your wall. Perfect example: my beloved ex wife and my mother. If we comment on the same person's status, I can't see them and they can't see me. Its a thing of beauty. Twitter, however, hasn't caught up yet. So unfortunately, someone else that I love dearly, but have no respect for keeps gertting re-tweeted into my fucking timeline. This throws a huge monkey wrench in my fantasy that this sad individual was really just a figment of my imagination. I have almost convinced myself that our entire relationship was just something I made up in my head while I was in the hospital. But just as soon as I really start to beleive it, up she pops in my fucking timeline.
Lovely...
Star.

Whats the deal with Lezzies adn threesomes? YUK and HELL NO

For some reason or another, all of my younger Lesbian friends always want to come to me for advice. I find that quit hilarious, considering how good I am at NOT keeping a girlfriend. However, they seem to think I have all the answers because I've been there, done that. I disagree, but if they ask, i'm telling. One recurring theme that I get hit with by the babies (that's what I call all of them).

THREESOMES


*sigh*



I don't get it. I just do NOT get it.  Look, I like sex just as much as the next person. But I'm a relationship girl. And you're telling me I'm supposed to be 100 with having another bitch touching, kissing, and *gasp* f*cking MY girlfriend...while I watch (or partake, or however that sh*t goes).  I'm supposed to enjoy this sh*t? Because I'm a  lesbian? You're telling me I'm NOT supposed to rip this hoe's throat out? I'm NOT supposed to close your eye permanently for even suggesting such a thing? Because I'm a lesbian... Really. Uh, hell no.
Now this is not to say that I haven't done it before. But it was outside of the context of a relationship. My babies always call and ask about having one with their girlfriend dujour (that's girlfriend of the moment for you, uh, yeah). This tells me a couple of things. 1: I am in the minority as a relationship lesbian, and 2: these b*tches out here got the game ALL WRONG.


Once upon a time I offered to "get" a certain girl for my girlfriend at the time as a gift to her for throwing me such an awesome birthday party. Mind you, I was also so drunk at said party that I was asleep before they cut MY birthday cake. That tells you the state of f*cked-up-ness one must be in to get that ish past me. Needless to say, it didn't happen.


Anywhoo, I really wanna know what the thrill is. In straight relationships a threesome is like the big unspoken fantasy of the boyfriend. Its the elephant in the room. You know he's thinking it, You KNOW he wants it. You also know that, in most cases, he has more sense than to even bring it up. But with lesbians its like a given, almost expected. Whenever the issue comes up with the babies I give the truth according to Star and it goes a little something like this:
DON'T DO  IT (especially if you plan on having any type of long term relationship with this girl)
DON'T DO IT (especially if she's a femme and offered it, cuz chances are she's offered it up plenty of times before
DON'T DO IT (especially if your her first, cuz her and the third party are gonna be boning on your down time)
But since you're gonna do it any way, remember this. 
BE SAFE BE SAFE BE SAFE (that's always rule number one)
DO NOT LET IT GO DOWN AT YOU HOME (cuz you will never look at you comfy bed the same again)
and most importantly
BE THE GUEST STAR ( let that one marinate for a minute, it'll come to ya)


Hope that helps someone out there, Cuz i think my babies are just too far gone for salvation. Oh well.




*Star*